Santwana Chatterjee
A small attempt
On this day of Schizophrenia
A Failure in all respect
A few pages of a diary from a disturbed soul, unsound mind and a failure in all respect. Mostly a failed own mind reader.
The pages are in absolute disarray, chronologically ,emotionally as is natural in these cases.
X
The last two night’s I became horribly changed person so much so,
I removed all clothings ,still felt hot and claustrophobic. Made a lot of nuisance on the attendant but she calmed me down.
At about 1 am wake ever night , up after along nightmare and feel I have been abandoned in this hell hole alone and a strong suicide wish takes hold…I try to find a way…find none…i feel I am left alone after Suraj…
Terrible feeling take over, about 3 am to 4 am go back to sleep.
I can never stop hearing people talking, they never stop……mostly Bheema my youngest brother
and my sister whispering.
The problem starts when these threats start to get me in the waking hours too. I suspect some one is spying on me, even when at the office desk, extremely uncanny belief, the drum in side my chest starts beating, I even suspect such brutes are there at my doors and windows to break in …. terrible feelings which I can not confide …as long as Suraj was
There I atleast could tell him everything, though all such attacks come only because of odd behaviour of him only and aggression from in-laws… now there is no Suraj , no aggressive In laws but I am afraid I would go into that horrible state of mind any time if I am put into hostile and uneasy company.
Y
I know
I know I have a weird strake in me and that I can distinguish between the two.
I can not sleep alone at night scared stiff of some kind of assault…black shadowy figures take shapes out of nothing… out to destroy me..,, but the day I meditated desperately to Suraj mingled now in infinite consciousness to be by my side in the dark, I feel his presence….few days before I tried to analyse my belief logically and I knew I was completely wrong and three nights before , in the middle of the night the Black scary shadows came back taking shape on the window curtains .I knew I have to accept my queer self and the absurd belief that I am always protected by some unseen force.
The fact is I do not see any harm in believing in my dual identity.
Z
I hear voices talking when alone in my flat. Moment I come out of my room they stop talking. Very very distinct and audible.
I guessed the male voice was your Dr and that you were discussing how bad is my case.
I can not sleep alone. When my elder sister got married I (I was 17 y) had to sleep alone in my room. Resulted in anxiety , trauma and insomnia ) and I was prescribed sleeping pills.
After Suraj I am sleeping alone but luckily I always feel he is there in the bed in my sleep and even after that…
Last night Peter my tom cat, was in my bed but we were not talking (Peter was naughty) and I definitely felt another cat too sleeping by my side.It was so real that waking up I searched for the cat in my bed realisation came late and was scary.
A
My husband Suraj was a senior friend of my daa’. Daa admired him tremendously n always used tell us how strong ..how brave etc ….how my daa was protected from the big bullies…
I started admiring Suraj n married him.
The day daa committed suicide by cutting his veins and hanging himself from the ceiling fan.(it must have been quite difficult) some one from the neighbourhood came and announced…. I ran then and there barefoot and crying but his body, as I was told ,had been taken by the police.
It is strange that I really could not accept his death and thought he might be alive and suddenly come back, I secretly thought that if he really died ,he will comeback in a ..someone somewhere…absurd I know.
I now realise I kept him alive in my husband in many ways which I never realised, but today I think I finally lost my Daa with my husband.
Thanks for helping me realise the truth….
Finally that I have lost them both
I have no one to turn to…
no roots….
B
Thanks
The new drug has done world of good to my mental state.
One thing worries me that this is kind of drug I used to take long back. After my bro committed suicide….I made a mess of my life..did/could not pursue studies after completing MA…
I have gone into trauma, suicidal,hell of an existence…. which with Gods grace and medical help I tackled somehow.
I am going through melancholy which is natural after He (my husband)expired.
A constant undercurrent of helplessness,apathy and physical discomfort which comes with this mental state was difficult to overcome with no one to understand..,
Thanks a lot Doc but I am worried about the side effects as I already find the fluffy ness of my face coming back.
I have witnessed almost the whole lot of my family members going through mental illness which could have been handled sympathetically keeping them at home but had to be sent to mental home periodically with their condition worsening, horrified that how they ,the ward boys, would come in the morning and would not serve breakfast to the patient to be administered electric shock and ( from my bro who was so soft ,intelligent and loveable) gave him strong drugs and he became drug addict….. These memories still haunting me I want to forget.
In later life I found almost a shadow of my dark nights in the famous novel and movie “One flew over the cuckoo’s nest.
XXX
analyses of my present state of mind came very clearly and so I think this medicine is not bad for me after all.
YY
(A)
My reasons to thank the Doctor who unknowingly dug out…my reasons for being alive,happy and enjoy life as long it is….
((An extremely odd reaction from deep down my consciousness haunts me
These days I am happy and relaxed like ,distant past, dozing off to sleep even after lunch ; but I wake up with a jerk as if I am going into the unknown oblivion …death…again again and again. Some force pushing/pulling me ….
There is nothing no-one for me…my utility for being alive is over.
My utility …my service is no longer needed. There is nothing, no one but my pet that still needs me.
Is there really any use to be alive being a burden on others!
Haven’t achieved any one of my dreams, to search for the cause of my existence, my aspirations to pursue the meaning of life and death but I am the luckiest soul on earth to realise that love is not only physical it transcends life and death, space and time. Life for both of us was confined to worldly
Pleasures ,limited only to our five senses……without realising the existence of the sixth sense travelling through infinity ..,connecting and floating into and mingling with the sea of bliss that exists ….beyond sensibility…in all existence
engulfing hate…
Love always melts…
Limited consciousness into abundance of bliss ….beyond the reach of manmade boundary ,to the unconscious….which, however much we try… can not realise the unconscious as …we ,the conscious will melt with The unconscious i.e life into death….ultimately there is only the uncountable mathematics of zero into infinity…..
A beginning has to end as we are experiencing through our human reason and logic
Explains the theory of ‘Cogito ergo sum) ..we exist because we think… and can never be there in the Unconscious… thinking is bounded …the moment it crosses material boundary..it becomes the infinite,incorrigible the Unknown…unconscious…..
Decartes’ theory of ‘cogito ergo sum’
(Latin)
usually translated into English as "I think, therefore I am",
Great Mathematician wandering through path of Logic to Philosophy of existence.
